The Big Bang Theory

I have this theory about children.  I began pondering this strange phenomenon with the older children when they reached Middle School.  I would go to a parent/teacher conference, bracing myself for what would surely be a lecture on behavior, attitude and listening skills.  Instead, the teacher would make a comment like, "your child is very quiet and respectful."  I would then ask if we were, indeed, talking about my child...because this quiet, respectful child would come home and throw his or her school stuff on the table or floor or couch and commence making rude comments or arguing with his or her siblings.  I began wondering why my children obviously suffered from some sort of Jekyll and Hyde syndrome.

The twins have started preschool.  Yesterday was their first day without parents there.  Every time the phone rang, I was certain it was the school, calling to tell me they had destroyed something, scaled something and wouldn't come down, or knocked another child unconscious with a Thomas the Train engine.  There were no calls from the school, however, and when I went to pick them up they were both sitting quietly at the table looking...sweet.  The assistant teacher told me how well-behaved they were...how they cleaned up at clean-up time and were the first to sit down when instructed.  I looked down at my boys, who looked at me with wide, innocent eyes. 

Upon returning home, the pixie dust that teacher must have sprinkled on them wore off, and Owen was throwing a temper tantrum because he wanted to go anywhere but home.  He screamed.  He hit Connor.  He threw his beloved Iron Man action figure, which Connor then picked up and took off with, causing Owen to explode. 

Connor found much delight in this, and began terrorizing his brother, and his older sister upon her return home from Kindergarten, who suddenly had the attitude of a 16-year-old.  All chaos broke out.  Children were jumping on the couch...pillows were being flung across the room.  The noise level had me concerned about neighbors calling the cops.  I called my husband...or maybe he called me...I don't remember...but I do remember telling him that I was not making dinner that night.  While all of the chaos was going on, our oldest son had gone upstairs to take an hour-long crap.  Our oldest daughter was in her bedroom.  My husband, being the kind, understanding man that he is...brought home dinner.

I'm beginning to think that children have this strange ability to conceal their powers of badness...they squeeze it into some small, unused portion of their brains and hold it there while at school.  Perhaps it is because even at a young age, they are socially aware and realize that they do not want to draw attention to themselves.  Perhaps teachers have some strange voodoo that they perform, causing children to want to please them.  Whatever it is...this badness becomes bottled up during the day.  By the time they get home, they can no longer contain it....and BANG...they explode. 

I am currently in talks with the military on how we can use this powerful weapon against our enemies.