Saturday, February 11, 2012

Shaping Up

My husband and I have decided to try to get in shape.  I have been trying off and on over the years, losing and then gaining the weight back.  The most exercise my husband has gotten was probably the one time, a long time ago, when we tried to do yoga to a video and he complained and farted throughout the whole session.  Needless to say, this is going to be a challenge.

There is a small, but nice, little fitness building in our subdivision.  There are two treadmills, two stationary bikes, an elliptical machine, weight bench and compact machine for doing leg presses, etc.  One wall is a giant mirror.  We'll come back to the usefullness of this feature later.

We have decided to start the Couch to 5K program.  I have no intention of running a 5K...and honestly, the last time I tried to run was in high school when I wanted to be all cool and join Cross Country to be with my friends.  That quickly ended with the first practice when I barely made it half way through and felt like I was going to collapse.  I wheezed through a massive asthma attack and told my friends that I think I'm going to pass on joining a sport.  So, why I decided to start running is beyond me.  I guess just to prove to myself that I could.  Bruce has also decided to run...but I don't think that I inspired him...I think a coworker, who has done the program, has pretty much pressured him into running.  And so the journey begins.

The program is for alternate between walking and jogging for about twenty minutes.  As I run, I feel strong...I tell myself, "you can do won't be long before you will be able to wear a bikini."  Not that I probably would ever wear a know...I could.  Then, I look over at the mirrored wall.  My face is red.  Sweat is dripping down my face.  The lovely muffin top that I thought my workout pants somehow held flopping up and down in time to Weezer's "Buddy Holly" which is playing loudly through my ear buds (which keep wanting to fall out as I jog.)  Now, I can take this image and let it affect me in two ways:  I can be thoroughly disgusted, and lose hope.  Or, and what I prefer to do, I can ingrain that image into my mind and tell myself that this is why I am running.  So that in time, I will look over and see a red-faced, sweaty, sexy person running on the treadmill.  Well, you person.  I don't suppose red-faced and sweaty will every really be sexy.

My husband is a week behind me in the program, and does not have work-out clothes.  He goes to the gym in his Burger King fleece pajama pants.  He also takes the older two kids with him, which provides a challenge within itself.  The other night he came home looking irritated.  Apparently one child goes from one machine to the next, not knowing how to really use them, and constantly asks questions.  The other child thinks he is some sort of extreme athlete and tries to prove he is the master of the machines.  Apparently that night he was trying to break a record for running a mile.  He had the treadmill set on nearly the highest speed, as he dodged his sister's questions.  The last question, which was something like, "hey...shouldn't you be holding onto the handles when you run?," was the distraction that ended in disaster as he turned to look at her...and fell.  Luckily he was fine, but the night did not end well as it was "obviously" his sister's fault that he fell on the treadmill. 

This is why I run alone. 

Hopefully we will actually continue with the program...with few casualties.  I did buy Bruce some running shoes for his birthday...perhaps I should have bought him some running shorts, too.   The Burger King pants are a casualty on their own...

Friday, February 10, 2012

Birthday Blunders

Dear Bruce,

I had fully intended on making your birthday today a nice day for you...a special day.  I had intended on waking up early to get my shower in before the boys woke up so that you could sleep in...but I'm pretty sure the bomb that I was trying to disable in my dream turned out to be our alarm clock.  Unfortunately, the alarm that would not STOP going off was actually Irelynn's...and she was already downstairs...and it woke up Owen.  I truly did not want to stink on your birthday, so I'm sorry you had to wake up so that I could get into the shower.

I had intended on Irelynn's pants being clean before school.  I had a whole load dedicated to her pants and skirts.  I just sort of forgot to put them in the dryer.  I'm sorry she was almost late for the bus because we were waiting on a skirt to dry before you could take her to the bus stop. 

I had intended on taking the boys out to buy wrapping paper for your presents today.  We did go out...and got distracted by the fish in the pet aisle.  Then I remembered we were out of peanut butter.  And granola bars.  Then the boys wanted to look at toys.  We made it home...and realized we had forgotten the wrapping paper.  Owen was generous enough to let us use what was left of the Spiderman wrapping paper he used for his friend's birthday present.  Luckily it was just enough to do the job.  And then Bailey started eating the wrapping paper off of your gifts.'re presents are mostly wrapped...with little tooth marks everywhere.

I had intended on a nice Birthday lunch for take the little ones and pick you up from work and take you out.  I did not intend on backing into our neighbor's car.  In my defense, I think both of us were to blame, because we both backed out at the same time, and neither one of us saw each other.  We decided it was okay, that there was no damage, no hard feelings...and then I was late to get Irelynn off of the bus.  The bus driver was waiting.  Irelynn was frowning.  Luckily she forgives easily.

I had intended on our children being charming and cute as they wished you a "Happy Birthday."  I did not realize just how uncivilized our children are in public.  Connor throwing things across the table was not part of the plan.  Neither was Owen's loud vocal exercises which drew even more attention than Connor's projectile silverware.  Then, as we were about to leave, I see our sweet five year old with a handful of silverware...sneaking it into her coat. 

"Irelynn...what are you doing??"

"We need more spoons and forks at home."

Our kid was trying to steal silverware from a restaurant.  I told her to put it back.  I see her set down a couple forks and a spoon.

"The other spoon, too."

She sighed, pulled it out of her coat, and set it down.  My face was now three shades of red.

I am now baking your cake.  I fully intend on it being a wonderful cake.  I intend on doing an early dinner so we can celebrate before you take Irelynn to her Valentine's Dance.  Unfortunately, Owen is refusing to nap...Irelynn made a mess in the kitchen trying to help me clean...and apparently the older two are not speaking to each other.  So...I'll do my best.

Just remember...I had good intentions.

Your Wife