The Spider and the Beach

It was a typical evening in the Sawdon household. Babies were crawling around, climbing on things, wreaking havoc in the living room. Connor was screeching. The Disney channel was providing background noise. The older children were finding new and creative ways to prolong doing their chores. Irelynn was attempting to get my attention in various ways.

"Mom...you remember this?"

I look at her, and she says what sounded like, "back off, Bitch."

"WHAT?!"

My mind frantically races, trying to remember the last time we drove somewhere and whether or not I had said anything inappropriate at the wheel.

"Backyard Bitch!"

My mouth is still hanging open.

"Backyard BEACH," my husband interjects from the chair. I glance over at him.

"It was a 'Phineas and Ferb' episode," he explains, "where they built a beach in their backyard, and then they sing about it, Reggae style...'Nothing's out of reach, we got a backyard beach.'"

For those who want to see...and hear...what she was trying to sing, here is a link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulA4T9RQPa0

"That's what I said....backyard bitch."

"Irelynn it's backyard beach..."

"I know...backyard bitch..."

"Beeeeeaach..."

"Peach...backyard peach!"

We look at each other. Close enough. I make a mental note to warn the preschool teacher the following morning.

The next few moments are a blur....I recall my husband spotting a spider, but before taking care of it, he wants a flashlight to get a closer look at it. Meanwhile, the older girl is frantically trying to figure out the corner in the house that will put the most distance between her and the spider. Jaylond is trying to be a heroic big brother and swoop all babies out of the way, who respond with noises that sounded like they belonged in Maurice Sendak's Where the Wild Things Are. Irelynn is skipping around the living room singing, "Backyard Bitch." Bruce tells Jaylond to get the headlamp from his work bag (a "cool" gadget he found online...an LED light...that you wear...on your head.) He shines the light at the spider.

"Man, he has a big ass....I just want to make sure...."

Irelynn, now on the couch, pipes up, "that 'pider has a big ass. I don't like big ass 'piders."

"Irelynn, don't say that...Daddy shouldn't have said that." I glare at Bruce, who has a sheepish grin.

He begins debating with Jay what would be the best angle to swing a shoe to ensure the spider does not escape. After much deliberating, my husband makes an executive decision and finally gets rid of the spider. We then realize, as the cat jumps past him and out the window, why we are having spider problems...the cat has successfully torn a hole in the window screen...one big enough for him to fit through.

I make a mental note to visit the hardware store.

((sigh))

My "To Do" list just keeps getting longer...and more odd.

I think I'm going to have alot of explaining to do to Irelynn's teacher.