The Gym

After many attempts to exercise at home, all ending prematurely in babies waking up from naps, or overly affectionate cats disrupting my downward facing dogs, I finally gave up and joined a gym. I have never worked out at a gym before. Now I remember why.

First of all, I am not exactly the "gym" type. I do not own real "workout" clothes. My hair does not look cute pulled back into a ponytail. I do not own an iPod. And I do not know how to operate an elliptical machine. The treadmill I figured out ok...but as I'm working up a sweat just walking swiftly, I feel slightly awkward next to the tall, shapely blonde running next to me effortlessly. I look down at my over-sized tee-shirt bearing the confused face of Vizzini from "The Princess Bride" and the words "Inconcievable!" on it. I have some stretchy capri pants that resemble pj pants more than workout pants, and no iPod. I'm beginning to feel self-conscious.

The next time I went, I tried to prepare a little better. I found some stretchy black yoga pants at Target. I wore a tee-shirt, still baggy, but less conspicuous. At least it was not advertising movies or beer, as several of the tee-shirts I own do. I even dug up my $10 MP3 player that I bought a long time ago and have never really used.

I decide to try out the elliptical machine. I'm not quite sure what the different settings mean. I see you can incline it....so I push the button. Nothing happened. I push it several more times. Suddenly the machine tilts up...at nearly a 90-degree angle. Whoa. I frantically push the "down" button until it becomes slightly more tolerable. After 10-minutes I decide it's time to move on. I step off of the machine and immediately hope that no one is watching as I realize my legs have been reduced to jello. I pretend that nothing is wrong, and concentrate extremely hard on walking straight to get to the spray bottles and paper towels. Somehow I made it to the table, and lingered there, hanging onto the water fountain, acting as though I am just extremely thirsty, and not, in fact, trying to keep myself from falling to the floor. I start to feel normal again, and decide to move on.

I get on one of the bikes. It also has options ranging from "auto pilot" to "alpine pass." I finally choose a setting and begin working out. This isn't so bad. Almost easy. I then realize that I am listening to "Champagne Supernova" by Oasis, and pedaling to the beat of the song. Hmm...better find a more upbeat song. I flip through, finding some Katy Perry songs. I realize I have a song of hers that is not one of her more popular ones. I start cracking up at the lyrics. I then realize that I am sitting there, in the middle of a gym, thoroughly amused on a stationary bike. Again, I hope no one is watching.

I survived that workout session. I even came back another day...with all three little ones...with intentions of utilizing the free childcare. But that, my friends, is another story. Perhaps I'll tell it tomorrow. In the meantime, I must go back to my daily workout of wrestling Connor back into his diaper.