A Letter To My Dad

Dear Fodder,

I was thinking about you today, as I often do when I eat M&M's, drink diet soda, or wish the beer I was drinking was actually a Mohave Red. Or Lobotomy Bock.

Owen asks about you. I showed him pictures...and I think he understands, but I'm not sure that he does. He is sad that he never met you. He reminds me of you at times...his sense of humor, his blue eyes that sparkle, and his love of Star Wars.

I wonder what you would say to me now if you could see my life...to see that I ended up with twins, AFTER having three kids (which I'm sure you thought I was crazy to have at the time.) It doesn't seem like it was that long ago that I flew out to California with my brother to say good-bye...it feels like yesterday. The phone call still echoes in my mind: "your father's dead." I remember dropping the phone. I remember kissing my baby, Irelynn, and hugging the older kids, knowing that it would be the first time I wasn't there for their first day of school...and the first time I was away from my baby for that long.

You held Irelynn when she was 3-months old. She will be 7-years-old in two days. You would smile if you could see her...she's very smart, and creative...like you. She has your wit.

You would be appalled by our vehicles. They are dirty and due for oil changes. There are random Cheerios and possibly old french fries hidden between the seats. I am not organized like I used to be...our house is in a  state of chaos at all times. I haven't labeled binders with our videos in alphabetical order. I still can't play chess. And my college degree is gathering dust somewhere in the basement. I'm hardly the person you dreamed I would become.

I think, though, that you would be proud of me. If you could see...and know...your grandchildren, I think you would be proud. That's the one great accomplishment I can claim.

I wonder if you were alive today if you would be on Facebook. I think your posts would be hilarious. Sometimes I imagine what you would say if you read mine.

I know it's not much...I think my religious path is similar to your's...but I do think about you.  Every time I see a crow. Every time I see a movie with a scene filmed in front of Vasquez Rocks. And every time I look into Owen's eyes.

I miss you...and though we weren't always great at saying it to each other...I love you.

Love,
Dodder