The Longest Business Trip

I believe it is Murphy's Law that states, "when your husband goes on a business trip leaving you alone with the kids, something will break, someone will get sick, or the dog will shit in the house." I could be wrong on that, but I'm pretty sure it is something to that effect.

This has been the longest business trip yet for Bruce...broken up by a brief return home on the weekends. Three weeks, total. I have, for the most part, been managing fairly well. I've kept up on the day to day activities...made sure the little ones have done their homework, planned out the dinner menu, and managed to actually bathe the children once in awhile. However, there is inevitably something that trips me up, sending me into that downward spiral of shame where I start using sarcasm on the five-year-old, feel my eye begin to twitch and find myself rationalizing that "it's 5pm somewhere." To my credit, I have waited until bedtime to actually crack open a beer...but it has taken a great deal of will-power.

Yesterday seemed to be the culmination of things that happen when Bruce is away on a trip. And they all seemed to happen within the span of about 15-minutes. We had just finished dinner, and needed to do the "Home Alone" rushing to the airport re-enactment of getting ready to go to Taekwondo.

"Where's my belt?"

"I don't have a white shirt...wait...yes I do."

"No, I will put the bo staffs in the car...stop before you poke someone's eye out!"

The boys were wild. When Connor gets wild, he does this little thing where he throws up. I don't know if it's due to those early years of horrible reflux, or if he gets motion sickness from his own motion...but he threw up. Then the dog decided to pee all over the floor (which he hasn't done in a very long time.) Then the washing machine decided not to washing machine anymore...which I decided I could deal with later. Except for the fact that it was Connor's bedding, which he had peed on the night before and kind of needed that night, so I was really hoping I could get it into the dryer before we left. No such luck.

After squishing all of the kids and gear into the vehicle, we managed to leave the house...and realize we were out of gas. I think a special shout out needs to go to the Polar Vortex for making my evening even more memorable as I stood outside pumping gas in my Taekwondo uniform.

Somehow we survived class, and made it home with almost all of our gear (I believe we left a board there.) The kids finally went to bed.

This morning wasn't too bad...other than Owen now waking up covered in his own pee, causing us to rush around after an impromptu shower, and a long discussion over the cutting of the toast into certain geometrical patterns that must be done with precision so as not to bring on Owen's Hulk-like personality disorder. He is a charming child, really...very amicable. But you do not want to see him angry.

We are only half-way through the second week. I think today I am going to have a long talk with the washing machine, and then go buy some lunch and surprise Irelynn at school (who has been asking for a lunch date for a week now.) Hopefully between that, and spending dinner with some good friends tonight, I can get back to feeling like I can handle this again. At least until the next incident involving bodily fluid or one of the kids singing "What Does the Fox Say."

At least I stocked up on beer.

A Child's Perspective

I haven't updated my blog in awhile, and as I thought about different things I could write about, I realized that maybe a conversation my youngest children had the other day would be worth sharin. I wrote the following as a Facebook status, and received a lot of positive response:

The three younger ones were having a discussion this morning about Martin Luther King Jr. It was so cute and sad to hear history from a child's perspective.

Owen: "People with black skin even had to use different drinking fountains. And go to different schools. But it's okay, that's not a true story."

Me: "Owen, it IS a true story. Things really were like that at one time."

Connor: "That doesn't make any sense."

Me: "No, it doesn't."

They went on to talk about how Martin Luther King Jr. helped to change that...and how they can't even imagine having some of their friends go to a different school because of the color of their skin. They listed several names of friends who they never would have had the chance to meet. The whole conversation puts things into perspective...whether you are talking about race, sexual orientation, or beliefs...in a child's eyes, we are all human, and discrimination "doesn't make any sense." People aren't born with hate...we learn it. I wish everyone could see the world that way.

That Creepy Elf...

I have been avoiding the Elf on the Shelf for the last few years. I see people posting pictures, and sometimes it seemed cute and funny...but mostly it just seemed creepy. The thought of a little doll that moves around at night and watches you to see if you've been naughty or nice would have given me nightmares as a child. I think it would have freaked out the older children, too. Marissa had a doll given to her by her grandmother one year...it was very...realistic. The doll terrified her. She asked me to remove it from her bedroom...so the doll ended up in the corner of the hallway, until it scared ME one night coming out of my bedroom. With much guilt, we finally decided the doll must go. I think we waited a few years before we admitted to Grandma that her loving gift had terrorized our family.

Irelynn is a different child. She thrives on magic...and everything has a life of its own. She encourages magic, and wonder...and at times, creepiness. She claims to have ghost friends who take her through magic portals at night. While part of me is in awe and loves her imagination...I'm not going to lie, part of me is a little freaked out at times. Needless to say, upon hearing about the Elf on the Shelf (and who hasn't?) she started asking for one. She wrote me letters. She won't let it go in my room. I can help name the elf. She will keep an eye on it for me. After her pleas did not work, she turned to the elf itself. Someone told her that if you write a letter to the elf, it will appear. My child is nothing if not determined.

We now have an elf.

He showed up this morning. I read the book to the three younger kids, explaining how the elf flies to the North Pole at night to report to Santa on their behavior. Then it was time to name the elf.

"I know...Chris!" Owen was proud of himself.

"No, it's a girl," said Irelynn, "I think it should be Elfie or Lollypop."

"How about Tiberius?" Bruce is never going to give up on that name. He WILL find a way to honor Captain James T. Kirk.

The kids glared at him.

Irelynn replied, "I doubt elves even watch Star Trek."

Connor, quiet this whole time, piped up.

"Snitchel."

I looked over at him and said, "do you mean 'Schnitzel?'"

Connor shook his head "no."

"Snitchel?"

"Yes," he said, "Snitchel."

Irelynn looked at him, shocked, and said, "Connor! That's not very nice! He's an ELF...he has to report to Santa!"

Connor just smiled.

The final decision was Elfie Schnitzel (pronounced "Snitchel.") Now I have to start coming up with creative ideas on what to do with her (Irelynn assures me that Elfie is a girl.) The idea of an elf causing mischief and then reporting to Santa on the children's behavior seems a little wrong to me...so our elf will have to be silly without causing trouble.

I suppose I should enjoy these years where the magic is still alive in the home. I don't have much inside me...but Irelynn is finding a way to squeeze it out, little by little. Who knows...maybe by Christmas I'll think that Elfie is actually kind of cute. Doubtful...but stranger things have happened.

The Destruction of Spyro

I do not normally spend much money on Halloween costumes. I have a difficult time justifying spending a good deal of money on something that will barely make it to Halloween, let alone past the holiday. Through the years we have used hand-me-downs, gotten creative, or *sometimes* bought particular costumes through Craigslist. This year I broke down and spent $30 on a Spyro costume. I'm not proud. However, if you could have seen Owen's eyes light up when he saw his favorite character hanging on the wall in between Batman and a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle...I'm pretty sure you would have caved, too. You see...for some reason, Owen loves Spyro...and all the Skylanders. We do not own the game. He has never played it...nor has he seen the show (I hear there's a cartoon...I'm not even sure if that's true.) We are actually quite baffled as to how he KNOWS about Skylanders, let alone why he's obsessed with them. Spyro is his favorite, though...with his birthday money he bought a small stuffed Spyro...and sleeps with it every night.

Connor saw a pirate set that included a sword (I think the real reason he wanted it,) an eye patch, a gold hoop earring, and a hook. This was much cheaper, and we can get creative with the actual outfit, so I was okay with this choice.

Irelynn decided to be a fox. The costume, I have to admit, is pretty stinkin' cute. However...I'm also ashamed to say that I spent only *slightly* less money on the fox costume. The reason she wants to be a fox is because of this song:

She is also contemplating gathering some friends and creating a dance routine to this song and performing it at the school talent show later in the year. This is why I caved and bought my daughter a fox costume.

Back to Spyro. Owen was so excited to get this costume...he wanted to try it on right away. You see where this is going. Connor also had to try out his pirate stuff...and weapons in the hands of either boy always ends in disaster. The Spyro mask was on the couch...and I'm not sure what prompted the act of violence. Perhaps the boys were arguing? Or maybe Connor was just testing the strength of his sword, not thinking it would actually do damage? The sword came down...and the mask cracked...into several pieces.

I should have known better, and put the costumes up somewhere safe until Halloween. I just thought I would let them try them on for a few minutes...and a few minutes was all it took to ruin Halloween for Owen. We then began the search for a Spyro mask. Apparently, unless you order one online, you cannot buy just the mask anywhere. Luckily Bruce found a mask on Amazon, and ordered it promptly...which brought the total cost to just over $40 for a Halloween costume...for a five-year-old.

I'm pretty sure that Owen will be Spyro for Halloween for the next three years. If he doesn't want to be Spryo...that's okay...he can be a fox. (The fox costume is actually a dress with leggings...but it's okay...I'll convince him it's a Scottish fox.)

Super Glue, Duct Tape and Public Nudity

I was hoping over the summer I would have more time to update my blog. As it turns out, having five children around you every.waking.minute does not give you any real opportunity to sit down and write. Well, I could have written, but I don't think it would have been very coherent. My typical day anymore seems to involve breaking up arguments, cleaning up accidents (of all varieties,) watching the food disappear in the house at an alarming rate, and covering my ears with my hands while singing, "LA LA LA LA LA...I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" These are in my better moments.

I was actually starting to think, now that the kids are getting older, will there be much for me to blog about? The boys will be turning five in September...FIVE. They will be starting Kindergarten. No more babies. No more toddler antics. Just when I thought maybe I've run out of content...the SEVENTEEN-year-old managed to super glue Connor's Angry Birds piggy bank...to my kitchen counter. In his defense, he was trying to fix part of the piggy bank for his little brother that had broken off...but how he managed to get super glue all over the piggy bank, therefore cementing it to the counter...is beyond me.

The Angry Bird's butt now firmly a part of the counter.

The antics are not purely limited to teenagers. I think our entire family manages to entertain both the instructors and students at Tae Kwon Do. This cycle involves using a bo staff. During class, we were practicing our strikes on the bags, when suddenly a loud "crack" came from Bruce's direction. He literally snapped off the end of his bo staff. I did a face palm, shook my head, and proceeded to (more gently) strike my own bag. Suddenly..."CRACK." My bo staff split right in the middle. The instructor decided that perhaps the class should move on to the next segment of class. Bruce was able to get a replacement bo staff...mine has been fixed with duct tape. 

Our family also amuses Donatello.

Even getting ice cream is still an adventure with this family. We decided to take all of the kids down to the local ice cream stand. This was after I had driven my mom across the state to take her back home, so Bruce was responsible for taking the little ones to Irelynn's friend's birthday party. Apparently during the party, Owen had an accident, so he was going commando under his pants. I want to stop right here to say how lucky I am to have a husband willing to take three small children to a birthday party at the house of someone he doesn't even know. I can only imagine him trying, by himself, to gather the kids to leave...and then deal with Owen's accident. So, anyway, after the party, he picked up the teenagers from the mall, and met me back at the house (I had just gotten back.) We went down to the ice cream place and sat at the tables outside, enjoying our cones. Well, most of us sat at the tables. Inevitably, the younger ones get up and run around. Owen was the culprit this time...not only running around, but deciding to try and climb on the fence at the side. I turned to look, and there was my son...hanging from the fence...with his pants around his ankles. Facing traffic on a major street. Again...the kid was not wearing anything under the pants...so his pasty bottom was glaring in the sunlight. 

After attending to the child, he decided to run around some more, causing a few more episodes of public nudity...and then him tripping and landing, face first, into a wooden bench. We cleaned him up, with me going back and forth on whether it warranted a hospital trip (I was reassured that mouth injuries heal quickly and he was probably fine.) He did end up with a very fat lip, but I think the only real damage that took place was to his ego.

I see that my daughter keeps peering around the corner at me...through binoculars. I guess my writing time is up. Hopefully once school starts I will have more time to update my blog. The kids, for the first time, will all be in school all day. While the thought of that conjures up images of me dancing around the house, taking long naps, going to the bathroom in peace, and reading books that involve plot lines that don't rhyme or involve barnyard animals...I'm pretty sure that this will be a pivotal point in my life. I will have to figure out what it is that I actually want to do...like...enter the REAL WORLD. I'm pretty sure my dusty Communications degree will not be so significant now that I've been out of the workforce for ten years...and all of that great video technology I learned back in the day would be deemed archaic now. I suppose I have some time to figure things out. Now I guess I should focus on the child who just threw his bedtime Pull-Up at his brother.

Baking Disasters, Birds, and Bubble Pop

Why is it that every time I attempt to be all Martha Stewart-y, things go terribly wrong? Even when I actually do things right (or almost right)...inevitably something has to go wrong.

I tried to make homemade bread...for two reasons, really: one, I have just always wanted to make homemade bread, and two, we are extremely short on cash over the next few days. I found a recipe on Pinterest, and *almost* followed the directions (I had to use more whole-wheat flour than called for because I didn't have enough all purpose flour. And I didn't use enough warm water to dissolve the yeast.) The bread didn't rise like it should have...and we ended up with sort of a mini-loaf of bread. Which, although disappointing, wasn't a disaster...it still tasted okay. In fact, it must have tasted pretty good...because after leaving it to cool on the back of the counter, we walked in to find this:

Onyx obviously approved of the bread. I also learned (only took twice) to put any food in the microwave/oven/cabinet now to avoid doggy disappearing tricks. My second loaf (which looks MUCH better,) is now cooling...in the microwave.

My other attempt at a project was to put up a bird feeder, as requested by Irelynn. We bought the feeder, and a pole with hooks, to assemble and put up in the yard. We also had a little bird house that she had painted a few years ago to hang from the pole. We came home, and I attempted to put it up in the yard. I soon realized that they tell you to use a rubber mallet for a reason. I used a regular hammer to bang the bottom section of the pole into the ground. I'm sure you can imagine what happened next: I bent the metal, rendering it impossible to put the next section on top. I tried re-banging it into place. I tried forcing it together. I cut my hand. I shed some tears. I (somewhat loudly) discussed the pole's family background. Irelynn watched me from the window, and came outside to tell me, "it's okay, Mommy. It just won't work...you tried...don't cry, Mommy." Which, of course, made me cry MORE.

Later I went back out to try again. Somehow, the gods must have been smiling down at me, I managed to get the stupid thing together. We filled the feeder with bird seed and waited. And waited. A few days went by with no birds. Then a big storm came through, and knocked the whole thing down. We finally put it back up...and eventually...the birds came. The kids are so excited...which makes it all worth it in the end.

The latest disaster was not of my doing...at least, not intentionally. Bruce called me from work the other day, wanting to know if I would bring the boys and meet him for lunch down by his office. The boys were excited, and we met him there and walked down to a little restaurant nearby. The boys were behaving, for the most part, outside of Connor giggling loudly about a whoopie cushion he brought. We ordered our food, and Bruce took Owen to the restroom (he actually informed us that he had to go potty...which is good, because we've been having issues lately.)

Our food arrived, and suddenly Owen decided he wasn't hungry. He told me his belly hurt...and he had to go potty again. You know that feeling you get when you just *know* your kid is about to be sick? I remained calm and focused on getting him to the restroom...we almost made it...we got just outside the door...and then it happened. He spewed all over the carpet. A woman and her kid at a nearby table looked over at us. Connor had followed us, and stepped in the puddle.

"Connor...I need you to go get Daddy."

"But I want to stay with you. What's wrong with Owen? OOOOHHHHH...OWEN THREW UP!"

"Yes, Connor, and I NEED you to go get Daddy!"

After much coaxing, he went back to the table, and I grabbed several paper towels to try and mop up what I could, as Owen sat down on the toilet and continued to have an explosion from the other end. Bruce came back with the waitress, who had a mop, and I tried to apologize profusely as Owen's butt was making the loudest noises I have ever heard.

After he was finished, we waited while the waitress boxed up all of our food, and added a can of Vernors to the bag for the sick boy.

As soon as we left, he perked up and seemed to feel fine. We got home and he ate his lunch, and drank his "bubble pop." As far as he was concerned, he had the best day ever because he was the only child to get "bubble pop." I'm glad the day turned out okay for someone.

Unfortunately, that was not the end of the sickness...it is steadily going through the family. The good thing is, I have a wonderful loaf of bread cooling right now (it actually looks great,) there are several birds hanging out at our bird feeder, and the next time I can get away to the store, I will stock up on "bubble pop." And beer. Definitely beer.

Turkey Basters and Ramen Soup

Sometimes I think Owen was put on Earth for comic relief. Not my own comic relief, but perhaps someone else's.

My husband asked me to buy a turkey baster because our lawn mower isn't working, and he thought he might need it when trying to fix it...I'm not sure what he's going to do with it, but I generally don't ask when it comes to those things. So, we have this turkey baster lying around the house, which for some reason, is a fascinating object for children. Irelynn carried it around and would aim it at people's faces and blow out air at them. Connor used it as a drumstick. Owen put it down his pants.

"Owen...do NOT put the turkey baster down your pants." A phrase I never thought I'd be saying, ever.

I could probably fill a book with phrases that I have uttered throughout motherhood that I never thought I would say:

"Owen, stop pretending your butt is a guitar."

"We do NOT throw poop at walls!!"

"The plunger is NOT a toy."

"Stop shooting the cat!"

Oddly enough, most of the phrases were directed at Owen...or a combination of Owen and another child.

The turkey baster was actually the more tame part of the day. The oldest girl came home in a mood that made the dog cower and her siblings try to steer clear. I'm not sure what happened at school that day, but I pity the fool who pissed her off.

While she was storming through the house, I was trying to figure out an early dinner because we had two Tae Kwon Do classes that night (Irelynn takes the older kids class, followed by the boys' Tiny Tigers class.) We had to be ready and out the door by 6pm. I decided to grill some turkey burgers. I seasoned them, and walked away for a moment, to see what the boys were doing. They were occupied by the old Nintendo downstairs, and Jay was with Irelynn on the neighbor's trampoline...okay...all kids accounted for, and busy. I turn back to the burgers to find Onyx...paws on the counter...EATING THE RAW BURGERS.

"ONYX!!!!  Bad dog! NO!!!"

Jay and Irelynn walked in the back door...both of them sans shirt.

"Irelynn...where is your shirt?!"

"I took it off. It was hot out there. Besides, Jay took HIS off..."

Thoughts of creepy neighbor guys watching from their windows drift into my mind, and I explain to her that she is getting old enough now that it is not appropriate for girls to take off their shirts outside. I really didn't think I'd have to have that conversation yet.

Back to dinner. I call Bruce to whine about the dog, and we decide that I should just make some Ramen soup, and that he and I could eat a salad. Okay. Oh, and he mentioned that he was running late because his boss called and requested something. Perfect.

So, we somehow got through dinner, got kids in uniforms, and got out the door on time.

Irelynn has informed me that tonight she wrote "spaghetti" on the menu calendar. Perhaps I should have a back-up plan, just in case. As long as it doesn't require the use of a turkey baster, I think we'll be fine...