And I Thought the Kids Drove Me Batty

The night began with a grueling attempt to keep the boys in bed.  The teenagers were upstairs watching the much anticipated movie, "My Baby-Sitter is a Vampire." Irelynn was winding down, and we finally put the second boy down. 

We heard a scream upstairs...followed by more screams, and then the teenagers came running down the stairs.  Before I could say, "THE BOYS ARE SLEEPING," Marissa blurted out, "THERE IS A BAT UPSTAIRS!!!  It swooped down at us!" 

"A bat?"

"Yes...while we were watching a movie about VAMPIRES."

I looked at Bruce.  He looked at me.

He said, "what do you do about a bat??  Your family has dealt with bats before...what did they do?"

"I don't know...but I think it involved hitting them with blunt objects."

My family has had bats before.  It is well known throughout the family, because at almost every get-together the bat story inevitably comes up.  My mother does her bat impression to illustrate the story.  It involves curling her fingers, baring her teeth and making a strange hissing sound.  We love to bring up the bat story just for the impression:  "Mom...what did the bat look like again?"

Bruce stared at me, waiting for me to make a decision.  I told him to go find a box.  I cautiously walked up the stairs.  As I reached the landing I nearly had a bat in my face as it swooped down at me...I ducked just in time.  Irelynn was halfway up the stairs.

"I want to see!"

"No, Irelynn...you stay downstairs!"

I crouched down and entered the sitting room.  I saw an empty diaper box on the floor and picked it up.  The bat was gone.  I cautiously started checking the bedrooms.  I didn't see it in Jaylond's room...or his closet.  It wasn't in the bathroom.

"Where are you??"  Bruce had made it upstairs with a box.

I told him it wasn't in our room, the bathroom, or Jay's room.  That left Marissa's room.  I went in, nervously glancing around.  Bruce stayed by the doorway, clutching his box.  He was definitely going to let me take the lead on this one.  I glanced over at him...then above him.

"Well...I found the bat."

Bruce glanced around nervously.  "Where???"

"Above you."

He looked up.  Hanging upside down from Marissa's doorway, the bat looked...well, cute.  Bruce took a few steps back.

"Now what?"

I brought the box up and tried to catch it...but it flew back into the sitting room.

"SHIT!"

We followed the now swooping bat into the sitting room, swinging our boxes around...both as a defensive measure and an attempt to catch it mid-flight.  I made contact.  Unfortunately it was with the outside of the box, knocking the poor bat down in between the entertainment center and the desk. 

I glanced down.

"I'm sorry!  I didn't mean to hurt it!"  It was clutching the powerstrip on the floor.  Bruce handed me Marissa's lacrosse stick.  I tried to nudge it into the box.  Suddenly it opened it's mouth, showing tons of tiny, sharp teeth and then it made a horrible noise...and a vision of my mother came into my head.  She was right.  In fact, she did a damn good bat impression.  Bruce recognized the sound, too...but not because of my mother.

"That thing was in our room last night!!!  That is what the cat was chasing around...I think it landed on our bed at one point!" 

I remember him waking me up because of the sound.  I remember Dobby chasing something around...but I told him it was probably some weird bug, just go back to sleep.  My bad.

The bat did not like me nudging him.  And he would not pry loose from the power strip.  Finally he flew straight up and over me...and landed in the middle of the carpet.  I swung the box down and trapped him. 

"I got it!" 

"Now what?"

I told him to go find a piece of cardboard so I could slide it under the box.  Jay came up with a paper bag and I slid that under first...but it wasn't quite big enough.  Bruce found a better piece of cardboard, and I slid that under.  I picked it up and told everyone to get out of the way, I was going to take it outside.

Bruce shook his head at me.  "What are you, the f*cking Crocodile Hunter or something?"

I then did my best Steve Irwin impression.  It was terrible.

"Ain't she a beauty?  We have here the rare, elusive house bat." 

I walked outside and everyone gathered by the front door to watch as I walked out to the curb.  I removed the cardboard and saw...nothing. 

Bruce, standing safely by the door, said, "you DID catch it, didn't you??"

I heard a noise.  I opened up the paper bag, and the bat crawled to the outside.  He hung there, and I lifted the bag so that the kids could see.

"Can you see him, kids?  He's right here..."

The bat let go.  He flew...right toward the front door.  They stood there with their eyes wide.

"CLOSE THE DOOR!!!!" I yelled.

The kids screamed.  Bruce slammed the door.  Irelynn put her hands in the air, and ran, screaming into the living room.  The bat swooped up and disappeared into the trees. 

Needless to say, it took awhile to settle everyone back down and get the boys back to bed.  The older kids also expressed no further desire to watch the vampire movie. 

I wonder if I'll start doing bat impressions when people ask me about it?