Cooking with Chaos

I have decided that I think I should have my own cooking show.  I think it would be quite interesting...a cross between Rachel Ray, John & Kate Plus 8, and Home Improvement...with a dash of The Osbournes show mixed in...

I have embarked on a journey of clean(er) eating...prompted by many things:  my older children battling A.D.D., my desire to lose weight, and my husband's high cholesterol.  After much research, I have been shocked (even horrified at times) by what is in all the processed food we eat...and how the meat industry really works...and have bought a few recipe books which require you to make everything from scratch.  No preservatives...no food dyes...and, when I can, using organic produce and meats.  This is all well and good...but here lies the problem...don't tell anyone...but...I cannot cook.  Shocking, right?  How can a person go through years of feeding a family and NOT know how to cook?  Well...all those boxes and bags I used to buy required little more than either boiling water or throwing something in an oven.  This week I am learning...and my family is along for the ride.  A typical evening now involves me squinting at a recipe while the kitchen is in a state of chaos. 

I am making a chicken dish with pasta and a home-made sauce.  And by home-made I mean actually chopping the tomatoes and vegetables, steaming things, pureeing things and heating them on the stove with REAL onions and REAL garlic and actual spices that I don't know how to pronounce.  Prior to this endeavor I did not know how what a "clove" of garlic was...let alone how to "mince" one.  (Thank you to my mom who patiently gave me lessons on the art of using garlic.)

"Mommy...I am making dinner, too.  It's called Chicken Chicken Pasta Soup." 

"Oh...what?  Steam the carrots for eight minutes...soup?  Sorry honey..."

Irelynn is stirring a pot with a plastic chicken drumstick in it. 

"MOM.  MOM."  Owen starts bouncing on a chair he's climbed onto in the dining area.

"Owen...sit d-OWWW!!!!"  I look down to see my finger bleeding as I realize I just tried to mince it along with the garlic.  I stop to remove Owen from the teetering chair and go get a band-aid.

"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit...."

"Owen...no, no....we don't say those words!"  At least he knows how to use them.  Thanks, Bruce.

"Mom, have YOU seen my white binder??"  Marissa is storming through the house, knocking things over in her path. 

"No, I haven't."

I begin looking closely at the recipe again when I feel my pants being tugged on.  Connor has a death grip on my leg and begins to whine. 

"Connor...not now...please...."

I begin to try to throw the onions and garlic into the pan, Connor riding on my leg as I move back and forth between the cutting board and pan. 

I finally get things going....the sauce is cooking...and now my family is very hungry.  I start rushing to chop up the Italian parsley....and once again, slice into my finger.  A different one this time. 

"Shit!" 

"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit...."

"Owen...Mommy shouldn't have said that..."

Another band-aid. 

I finally finish.   I am all sweaty now, due to the fact that I didn't think to turn the fan on over the stove.  I have several knives now lined up on the counter from having to switch due to injuries.  I garnish each plate with feta cheese and parsley.  I set it down....and the twins promptly smear their's all over their trays...and onto the floor.  At least everyone else seemed to like it...I think.  It smelled good, anyway.

The second day...a healthy version of a Cobb Salad featuring white fish, tomato, and avocado...didn't go over as well (outside of the dressing, which everyone seemed to like)...but there were less casualties in the preparation.   

I'm thinking my show could be a YouTube hit...people would tune in just to see what calamity could happen next.  Instead of Rachel's catch-phrase, "Yum-O!" or Emeril's "BAM"....mine would be "Oh Shit!" delivered by Owen.  At least he says it at all the appropriate moments.

Tune in tomorrow to see how chicken with caramelized onions and cranberries goes...